Sunday, September 16, 2007

Gooodbye sweet girl

Yesterday, I realized it was Ayla's birthday. She would've been 17 years old yesterday.

99% of me is sure I made the right decision. It is never easy. This time had been especially tough. The tumor in her mouth not only had poked out of the skin but had ulcerated. She could barely open her mouth to eat. On the other hand, she still had a lot of spunk left in her. However, we were watching her die in front of us, a slow and painful death.

When we saw Dr. Bob on the 5th, he said she had only a week or two at most. We knew going in that this might be her last visit. She had lost another pound in the two weeks since we had seen him last and that's when we knew. I loved her so much and to see her face and the rest of her body get slowly and painfully eaten away by that disease was heartbreaking. Was giving her two weeks worth it? There was barely anything left of her physically, so who was I doing this for? Her or me? I knew I had no other choice to make.

She went so quickly. Dr. Bob had barely inserted the needle and I could feel her slipping away. It was like she was eager to join her old friend Xanadu who had crossed the Bridge so long ago. It also told me how truly sick she was. As her body relaxed I still see all the strain and pain work its way out of her face. Up until then I didn't know how much pain she had been in, but now I knew. Dr. Bob told me afterwards that I had made the right decision since she passed so quickly. I know I had but it still hurt.

I keep my favorite picture of her on my desk now in a place of honor. I still cry when I think about her and sometimes a trick of the eye makes me see her in her favorite spot: my pillow.

I will always miss you dear friend.
You were good to me through some of the toughest times of my life.
I hope I was able to return that favor to you.
I will always love you my sweet little grump.
Have fun with Xanadu, Moose, and Boo Boo.
Goodbye.

18 comments:

Lux said...

This is a beautiful tribute to wonderful Ayla.

ML (Mary Lynn) said...

Beautifully expressed. Sorry, can't write anymore.

Alexi said...

A beautiful tribute...hope you find peace and comfort. Prayers, headbumps, and purrs.

Alexi

The Meezers said...

what a beautiful tribute.
Ayla is still with you - so it's not a trick of the eye. she's in your heart, and your heart sees things your eyes don't.

Grr, Midnight & Cocoa said...

The Lady's eyes just got lotsa drippys fallin' outta them. But then we made her go and check out every post you've ever done here and now she's smiling. We dunno why why didn't know 'bout this blog before, but we think all Ayla's brothers an sisters are adorable an we'll be back to visit them all. Purrrrrrs!

Skeeter & LC said...

Dear Ayla's Mom - Skeeter and LC wanted to post a comment, but weren't sure what to say. So they asked me to make a rare intrusion into their world and express our collective thoughts.

I think they slightly understand what has happened, but mostly consider it more a change of "location".

They think it was the right thing for you decide it was time for Ayla to cross the Bridge. Nocat wants to live in pain when freedom from it is available.

I agree. And I have promised them that when this world gets too difficult, I will release them to another place. This comforts them and that is sufficient for now.

I think they understand that they sometimes need us to provide that release. They trust us to do what is right for them, and most of us Beins are pretty good about understanding when that time comes to be separated from our dear friends for a while.

You did what was right and necessary, as hard as it was. That's part of our end of the cat/Bein bargain.

The cats seem satisfied that Ayla is across the Bridge and happy. I also expect that she is happy and without the pain she was sufferring in our world.

I am adding this site in place of Ayla's... One thing that cats teach us is that life goes on this world whether we are here or not.

The Big Thing

Yeah, what he said!
Skeeter & LC

Name: Mr. Hendrix said...

This is a wonderful tribute to Ayla. I know it is hard for you, but having been through this before with our woofies, I think you made the right decision. It may be Ayla on that pillow you see. I still see my dogs out of the corner of my eye. An animal communicator once told me sometimes they will come back and visit. Once, I actually felt my Sebastian (I know it was him)up on the bed. I just knew he was there. It was comforting. Maybe Ayla is just checking in on you.
This is the hardest thing for an "owner" to do for their pet, but it is the most loving. She took all your love with her over the Bridge.
Take care, we look forward to hearing from all the fuzzies.

Bonnie Underfoot said...

Yes, you made the right decision. She'd rather be remembered as spunky and dignified to the end. I know it wasn't easy.

We look forward to reading about the other cats and their antics. Purrs!

Henry Helton said...

Ayla was such a beautiful girl. It warms our hearts to hear how you speak of her. It was hard to read and I know much harder to live. You of course made the right decision. I'm sure she thanks you everyday.

sammawow-china cat-willow said...

Oh my, that was a wonderful tribute to someone who was truly loved.

the orange tabbies said...

Furry beautiful. Ayla would be purroud. :)

Karen Jo said...

That was a lovely tribute to Ayla. You made the right decision. She was ready to go, because she went so easily. It is the hardest thing for any pet lover to do, but it is also the most loving.

Ariel said...

My mom's eyes are leaky this is a very beautiful tribute to Alya.

Radcliff, Allie, Luna & Ozzie said...

It was painful, but it was the right thing to do.

puurrrrssss

Eric and Flynn said...

This is a beautiful tribute to a lovely girl, and yes, you will sense her prescence because she will be watching over you. Sometimes when you think you see her sitting in a favourite spot, I truly believe it is not always imagination.

Daisy said...

My eyes are leaky now. I know you made the right decision for sweet Ayla.

TT said...

I knows not what to say so I's giving mommy bean the puter to write somethings. TT

I believe you saw her. She comes back to check on you, just like my old buddy Ninja did (years ago). If you truely believe in such things that is, she will always visit you if you welcome it.

TT's mommy bean

michellegus said...

I cried when I came across this. I too have recently lost beloved furbabies, both sadly after miscarried pregnancies. However, we just gave birth to our daughter February 28, 2008 and we named her Ayla...

May your heart heal with time and the love of your Fuzzies.